Nearly every night, I fall asleep telling myself that tomorrow I will be better. I will be healthier, more active, positive, more hopeful. I will be the epitome of self-discipline and determination, the embodiment of all that needs to happen to reach my goals. I will make all the right decisions, avoid laziness and junk food, and be true to the life that I know I can have, the life I want. It would be great if these promises were the nightcap to another successful day, but that is not usually where I find myself. Instead, this inner dialogue as my head hits the pillow is largely fueled by shame and disappointment. It’s the voice that whispers “tomorrow you will do everything you should have done today and didn’t.” Tomorrow, I will fix this.

More often than not- at least, lately- I wake up in “tomorrow” with apathetic amnesia. It’s not that I literally don’t remember all the promises of the night before, but that I don’t care to remember the desperation, wanting, and passion that inspired them. I forget about “the real me” who feels trapped by my daily decisions and head into the day as “the me right now” who chooses Netflix and sugar. By nightfall, I once again sink into the bed of hope and cover myself with the sheets of possibility. I set the alarm of a brighter future, turn off the light of shame, and head into another break between who I’ve been until now and who I could be going forward.

If you’ve related at all to my posts, I suspect you know exactly what I’m talking about. If only we woke up as the person with steadfast determination ready for another amazing day of loving ourselves. Why does that person seem to speak up loudest after we’ve demolished a pizza and a few desserts, yet she remains seemingly silent when it comes time to decide what to eat for dinner? I don’t know about you but I am tired of being a person who falls asleep every night making promises and wakes up every morning prepared to break them.

I’ve been on this journey a long time. I’ve had my huge successes and embarrassing failures. I’ve been absolutely positive more than once that I had finally overcome and would never go back. And obviously, I’ve been reminded more than once that we can’t take transformation for granted. It doesn’t happen by accident. We choose transformation, a new life, or we don’t. It really is that simple. Very hard, but simple.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what it is that drives the decisions I make. I’ve wondered how I can go from someone so motivated to make healthy, positive decisions one minute to a person completely devoid of integrity the next. I often find myself describing it as a light switch. When I’m on, I’m on. I chase my goals with tenacity, I get vocal, I go public, I am wild with ideas, and jump in to the world of transformation with boisterous intensity. On the other hand, when I’m off, I am really off. I pull away, I become resentful, and take on the damaging attitude that “I don’t care” and “it doesn’t matter.” Even if I get a push or two from close friends or hear a small voice in my head telling me to take back control, the overwhelming message that I pay most attention to quickly becomes I can’t do this because I am a failure. And for some reason, I find myself accepting that, at least temporarily.

It is so easy- and miserably damaging- to jump straight to “I am a failure” and yet we do it all the time. It’s one thing to play a victim to life, which we all know gets us nowhere, but it’s something entirely different to actually victimize yourself with such hurtful conclusions about who and what you are. It was about a year ago that I found myself jogging next to a man who was largely still a stranger at the time. In fact, it was only the second time we had ever talked and would end up being the last conversation we’d ever have since his connection to my life would soon be severed. As we jogged, we engaged in light conversation (light because I was really more focused on sucking as much oxygen as I could). Somehow, during this random moment in time, he said something that will stick with me forever. He told me to be careful how I defined myself. While it may be important to acknowledge our struggles for the sake of addressing them, we aren’t defined by our struggles. At least, we shouldn’t be.

Thus, I started to challenge that definition. Am I really a failure? I am a great person with wonderful friends. I am close to my family and pride myself on being the best daughter, sister, granddaughter, and aunt I can be. I have a promising career that I worked very hard for. I support myself. I am kind and giving. I am smart, I am funny. I am creative, capable, strong. I have the confidence to be vulnerable, I am a natural leader, and I truly care about making a difference. I struggle with food and I am overweight, but does that one struggle really define me? Does it really overshadow everything else that I am to the point where my failing to overcome it results in me being a failure?

Absolutely not. Read it again. Ask yourself again. Does your struggle really make you a failure? No. So, why do we continuously accept that definition of ourselves? Instead, why don’t we focus on what’s actually going on?

I’ve started to implement some new routines in my life. The most important has been to get enough sleep. More so than any decision I may make to ensure I’m eating healthy food and making it to the gym, I’ve found that getting enough sleep is the one greatest predictor of my overall success. In a lot of ways it has been life altering. Turns out, making better choices is a lot easier when you’re not sleep deprived. Don’t get me wrong, self-discipline and will power still play a role, but one’s ability to overcome is vastly strengthened by proper rest. It also becomes much easier to put additional routines into practice, and I’ve been taught that transformation is built on solid routines, the basics. Momentum is a real thing. That’s all I’m saying.

Next time you find yourself accepting false definitions of who you are and what you’re capable of, challenge it. Ask yourself “am I really ________ or am I sleep deprived?” “Is that defining statement true or am I giving all my power to my struggle?” Let your answers to these questions empower you. We are not defined by what we struggle with; we are defined by who we choose to be. Be good. Be strong. Be capable. Be smart. Be beautiful. Be focused. Be committed. Be you.

Where do you live? Not physically. Mentally. Are you in the moment? Are you in the past? In the future? Where are you?

We’ve all read endless self-help-type articles or books over the years, I’m sure. Whether you’ve perused the actual section in that elusive building called the bookstore (remember those?), or clicked on that catchy article title on social media, I imagine we are all guilty of searching for life’s secrets, as written by everyday, ordinary humans. As such, I know it’s no secret, by now, that several of them talk about the same things: practice gratitude, eat healthy and exercise, be a morning person, and, of course, be present in the moment. Being present in the moment is such a common goal, command!, that it’s the belief behind certain religions and spans its own marketplace. In fact, it’s so well-known that I think most of us just overlook it when we start reading yet another article. Live in the moment. Yea, yea, yea…what else?

(Comical side note: I am currently sitting in a bookstore and the book left on the table in front of me is THE POWER OF NOW. That wasn’t even planned! OK, back to writing. For you, reading.)

For me, the question becomes- if I’m not living in the moment, where am I living? My immediate answer is that I’m living in the past. After all, that’s where my “glory” days are, right? I was a star athlete, popular in school, always busy with various activities, firmly immersed in the dating scene. I went to college and then on to law school. I succeeded. All of the great things I’ve done are in the past. That’s where my identity comes from. Those are my stories. It’s those moments that define my self-image.

This tendency is what leads to the brutal punch to the gut when I realize how much has changed. If I am an athlete, capable of so many things, always busy with various activities, and living it up in the dating scene, then why do I find myself struggling with physical movements that used to come so easy? Why are my evenings after work largely uneventful? Why am I straining to remember my last date? Because, the truth is those things are not my present. They are the events that led me here. That’s it. Without my decision to continue that life, it rests firmly in the past.

This realization didn’t do it for me, though. I still had this nagging feeling that I was missing something. Then it hit me. I don’t actually live in the past. I live in the future. I am the comeback kid. I am that woman who rediscovered her inner athlete after a decade of being morbidly obese. I am the one who found her passion in her ability to share her story and inspire others to free themselves. I am happy. I am in love. I am making a difference, changing the world. Leading by example, not by possibility. I am living a truly epic life in the arena and loving every minute of it. I can see that woman, I can feel her. The only problem, she’s in the future. She’s not now.

I went to a graduation ceremony a few weeks ago. It wasn’t a school graduation. We were celebrating a woman who was graduating a treatment program for alcoholism. She had over 700 sober days and had completely changed her life. When she had the opportunity to address the group, most of who were still in the program and some who were just beginning, she made the following statement:

My life is one where I have to live one day at a time. Sometimes even one minute at a time. I try very hard not to think about the past. And, I simply don’t think about the future. I have goals and plans, but I can’t get lost in those. I can’t let future plans distract me from what I need to do today, right now, to actually get to where I want to be. So, I live one second, one minute, one day, one week, one month, one year at a time. That’s how it has to be when you’re trying to overcome what we have chosen to overcome. Focus on that and pretty soon you’ll be where you want to be.

As someone who doesn’t drink, I didn’t expect to relate or get much out of this ceremony. I was wrong. The graduate’s statements stuck. Hard. She pointed out exactly where I have fallen short year-after-year. I am always making plans for everything I want to do, everything I know I can do. I get so lost in these plans that I neglect everything I need to be doing today, right now, to get there. The mundane tasks that are absolutely essential, the building blocks- I skip them. Knowing that, it shouldn’t surprise anybody- not even myself- that my life isn’t exactly where I want it to be right now. I am so busy living in the future that my present self is wandering aimlessly and continuously frustrated that the woman I feel isn’t looking back at me in the mirror, the life I love isn’t blissfully consuming me on a daily basis. The stepping stones are right in front of me, but I’m not using them. I’m daydreaming.

Thus, I relent to the notion that the books are right. The endless articles have a point. And the fact that THE POWER OF NOW is laying on the table in front of me is the universe’s way of screaming “WAKE UP!!!!!” I don’t think “living in the moment” is easy but the concept is a simple one. To me, it’s not so much “life is short so enjoy every moment” as it is “your amazing life is one mundane decision away, but that decision is supposed to be made now.” I am starting to understand that blissful, all-encompassing, change-the-world happiness is truly all about what I am choosing to do right now. The life I am living presently. That is how I am going to get to all the places I know I am going.

So, I ask again, where do you live?

I had an epiphany the other day. It was very simple, total common sense, and it hit me in the middle of brushing my teeth. It had to do with setting goals- something I have done so many times and yet never really thought about. Why do we set goals? What is the purpose?

I am someone who is always setting goals. Or, perhaps more accurately, I always have ideas. I have a sense of what I want my life to feel like, what I’m capable of, and various things I hope to someday have: a love, kids, a nice house, the ability and freedom to travel, a successful career, and a dog, to name a few. My perpetual challenge with goals is my ability to achieve them. Maybe I’m not picking goals I want bad enough, maybe I’m giving up too soon, maybe I just get bored. I am sure I could write a lot about the fact that I fall asleep several nights making myself promises about tomorrow and wake up those mornings apathetic about keeping them, but I will save that post for another time. My epiphany was not that grand. Instead, I focused more on how setting goals tends to make me feel.

The way I see it, there are two paths that emerge when I set a goal. The first is one of confidence, assurance, and total determination. I get excited, I feel ready, and I cannot wait to attack the journey. The euphoria is usually subdued quickly when I realize that this path involves eating a lot of chicken and broccoli and not enough brownies, but if I push through it comes back. If I can keep myself looking ahead, there are glorious things along this path: self-love, happiness, the feeling that I’m unstoppable, and the comfort that everything is going to work out exactly as it is supposed to and even greater than I could have imagined. It’s not an easy path- neither of them are- but traveling it makes me a better person. The true me exists on this path.

The other path is full of self-doubt. It manifests itself in anger and frustration, the assumption that I am going to fail, and it makes me detest goal-setting. I have traveled this path often but I haven’t seen much on it. There’s not much of a view, no excitement. It’s dreadful. The true me only exists on this path long enough to make the decision to turn around and go back to other one.

Still, I come to this fork in the road every time I decide to set a goal. It can be overwhelming. So much so that I sometimes find myself wandering aimlessly at the trail head refusing to set goals at all, avoiding entirely the potential of failure. I don’t have any specific goals right now. I am just trying to make decisions that help me enjoy life. That’s what I tell myself. It’s true but it’s also bullshit. True bullshit. Because the fact of the matter is, if I was actually making decisions that helped me enjoy life, I would be on path #1 making goals and smashing them. Instead, I’m resorting to being a passive participant in my own life. I’m standing still. In my opinion, the only time to stand still is if you’re perfectly happy where you are. And if that’s the case, I have the feeling the last thing you want to do is stand still. You probably want to dance.

And so I finally come back to my point, my epiphany. Why is it important to set goals, to face this fork in the road, and to pick a path? I think it’s because goals force us to live intentionally. Goals make us active participants in our lives, and put us in the mindset that every decision we make has a purpose. In turn, the more intentional decisions I make, the more intention I insert into my day- my life- the more I feel like I have a purpose. Isn’t that one of the ultimate goals? To live a life of purpose? I think so.

Thus, I have come to a new place, a new trail. I’ve realized that it is not so much about what goal we set and whether we eventually achieve it. It’s about living intentionally. It’s about giving purpose to your daily decisions and feeling like you’re headed in a certain direction. I want to feel determined to get somewhere. I want to actively participate in my life on a minute-by-minute basis. I want my thoughts, decisions, and actions to be focused on getting myself somewhere, progressing, getting to that life that has that feeling and those things. It all starts with me deciding where it is I want to go, i.e. setting a goal. OK, I get it now.

Like I said, this wasn’t a grand epiphany. It was very simple and total common sense. Maybe it’s so simple that it proves comical. After all, what else would be the purpose of setting goals, right? Well, until the moment I was brushing my teeth and planning a workout routine in my head to ensure I could get the good arms I want, I didn’t make the connection. Suddenly, my morning had purpose. I was heading in a deliberate direction, which, on this day, happened to be towards the free weights at the gym. I was living on purpose and that is a path worth staying on.

In an instant, she felt lighter, more free. It was as if letting go of her self-doubt broke the shackles that chained her to the ground. Suddenly, she could fly.

I am sitting at my kitchen table with my computer and a protein shake. My shoulders are still burning from this morning’s workout and raising my arms high enough to reach the keyboard is proving to be quite the task. Because I have decided to sit down and write before jumping in the shower, I will almost surely be late for work. I don’t expect to be fired because of it but it’s a risk I’m willing to take. This is important.

I woke up this morning thinking about a pattern that exists in my life. Bursts of motivation and determination followed by apathy and self-sabotage. Whether it’s a good day, week, or month, it is followed by a period of unraveling all the ropes I braided and chipping away at the progress I made. I want so badly to be free of this problem: food, obesity, feeling stuck. I know I am meant for more than this and yet I constantly choose to put all of my potential aside for something that is easier or tastes better in the moment. It’s a tendency that leads to a lot of shame and disappointment.

Although I have been successful in my journey – to an extent- I question what I have actually achieved if I now find myself working backwards. I tell myself that it will mean something someday that I didn’t give up. This period of being off path is all part of the bigger journey, and someday I will tell the story about how I caught myself after a long fall, got back up, and kept moving forward.

The reason I specifically sat down to write this morning, though, is not to visualize the big picture, but to address a very specific question. How much does self-doubt weigh?

When you’re on a journey such as mine, the scale matters. It’s not everything, it’s not even the biggest thing, but it does matter. We want to feel better, look better, act better, be happier. We want our clothes to be more comfortable, we want our skin to look healthier, we want more energy, we want people to notice us. We want to feel worth something. All of those things can’t be measured by a scale. But there is always a part of us that wants the number on the scale to be reflective of our success as well. As such, there’s always a part of us that hears that stupid number on the inanimate object taunting us in some way. You failed. You don’t want this bad enough. You can’t do this. You’re still fat. Not good enough. You’ve given up. Try harder. Fuck you, scale.

Regardless of what the scale says, here’s something I’ve noticed: I feel lighter, my clothes feel better, I look healthier, I am worth something, I am happier the moment I let go of self-doubt. It’s as if I drop 50 lbs in an instant. The scale won’t acknowledge that loss but its taunts will change. You’ve got this. One day at a time. Don’t give up. Even small steps are steps. I bet you can do better. Get after it today. Push yourself. You’re doing it. YES! Thank you, scale.

I truly think that self-doubt weighs on us more than any pound of fat we carry. I am even fairly confident that there’s a study out there that proves this. I’m not a researcher, but it makes sense to me that feelings of self-doubt, depression, loneliness, etc. would cause our bodies to release more of some sort of chemical/hormone that would affect weight loss. Even if that’s wrong, it seems to me that life at any weight becomes easier- and more fun- if we just decide to love ourselves and believe in our ability to succeed instead of compounding any problem we have with hecklers from our internal peanut gallery.

So, if you see me, please notice how happy I look, how comfortable I feel, and how much I’m worth. I lost 50 lbs today and that is something worth celebrating! However, please note, there will be no high fives as part of this celebration. I still cannot lift my arms.

I sat over an egg-white scramble this morning trying to figure out what my big struggle is. What is it that makes me less than happy at times? What is it that makes me feel alone? Why is there tension between what I say I want and what I actually do? Why am I so motivated one minute only to be completely shut off a few minutes later? What is going on with me?

It was a lot for an egg-white scramble to take, I know. What I realized is that I am constantly trying to be someone I am not.

There is this picture that sits on my mantle of me and four of the greatest women in my life. The team is comprised of the mastermind behind the program that changed me, a woman who constantly makes me be my best with the fiercest kind of tough love I have ever experienced, my coach who offers the more sensitive and empathetic approach that someone like me needs, and my battle buddy who has been in the trenches with me since the beginning. It’s truly a magnificent team; and in this particular photograph, I stand right in the middle with a big smile on my face, a “beast mode” shirt on, and the gear necessary to embark on our most recent adventure: a 12-hour team relay endurance run. I look happy, I look fit, I look adventurous, I look loved, I look like I belong there. Thinking back, I wasn’t at my lowest weight and I was nothing short of terrified for what we were about to do, but I was coming off of a week or two of true clean eating and exercising, and I felt good. I was happy, I was fit, I was adventurous, I was loved, and I did belong there. The picture shows it, and I love everything about that picture.

As I put each bite of breakfast into my mouth, I kept staring at the picture and thinking back to that time. It was only 5 months ago, but I no longer feel like that person. Today it hit me, in fact, that I am not that person right now. Right now I am the woman who still loves to motivate others, still gets exciting by planning new adventures, watches documentaries about people who have unrelenting determination, goes to transformational meetings to deliver some inspiration, shows up at 6 a.m. twice a week for a personal trainer, snoozes my alarm every other morning when I’d need to do the same for myself, engages in planning meetings for how to change the world, and leads a team of people twice a month who are trying to keep going. Meanwhile I am eating out more often than not, resting more than working out, and engaging in a host of other self-destructive behaviors that I am less than proud of. Mostly, I am all talk and no action. Even though I truly believe in the message I try to deliver, I don’t live it. Instead, I remember back to the time when I did, and I draw on those feelings in an attempt to keep myself authentic. It’s not working. What I am doing is not working. Today I looked at the picture sitting on my mantle and thought “I want to be that woman again.”

It is hard for me to do things solely for myself. I am motivated by sharing my story and helping others, which means I struggle to do anything in secret. If I’m writing, I’m doing so with the assumption that someone will read it because I have every intention of sharing it. I want others to understand me, but I wouldn’t be completely honest if I didn’t also admit that I’m seeking some kind of approval. In a time when I feel like a disappointment, when I think people can tell that I’ve given up, I feel desperate to make people understand that I’m not and I haven’t. I feel desperate to feel like I’m not and I haven’t. The same is true of any success, for me. I don’t ever sit in success by myself. I don’t ever take it in and enjoy it alone. I share it. I want to share it. I want to make people proud. I want people to feel motivated. I want to feel connection. I want to be more than just a fat girl.

Interestingly enough, there is one thing that I have never struggled to do alone: eat. I have no problem staying in my house for an entire day alternating between eating, sleeping, and Netflix. It’s not a good feeling, it’s not a happy or satisfying feeling, but it is one that I have no problem creating and experiencing all by myself. These are the posts that don’t make it to social media. These are the texts that aren’t sent to my friends. These are the videos that aren’t made, the experiences that aren’t shared, the stories that remain untold. These are also the moments that define me just as much, if not more, than any of my other public moments.

In a world where social media has taught us everything can and should be public, we have learned to give the appearance of a life we want to be living. I am smart enough to understand the reality behind the posts in my newsfeed. Not everyone is as happy as they appear. Not everyone’s life contains one adventure after another. Not everyone’s relationship is perfect. And, even if a complaining post about Comcast can get 250 likes an hour, it doesn’t mean anything about Comcast, or people’s willingness to use it, will change. The point is, we have the freedom now to connect to as many people as we want, as often as we desire, about any topic- exciting or mundane- in our daily lives. It’s an unbelievable freedom that can be viciously deceiving or authentically liberating, and we get to choose.

Hence, I return to my original point: I am constantly trying to be someone I am not. It is suffocating. I no longer want to be “Tate, who lost 100 lbs” because the truth is THAT WAS LAST YEAR! This year “Tate has gained 40 lbs” so let’s get the story straight. I no longer want to be “such an inspiration” based on something that I’m not being true to anymore. It’s uncomfortable, so much so that I often feel anxiety about someone finding out the truth. I live in this half reality where I am open, vulnerable, and honest, but with a huge asterisk after each word.

* I am only going to be open, vulnerable, and honest with you to a certain extent. As soon  as shit gets real- embarrassing, shameful, disappointing- I am going to conveniently omit.

Thus, it’s time to come clean. I want very badly to be the woman “who made it.” I want to be the woman who completely changed her life and now stands before you happy, healthy, and absolutely rocking a normal-sized pair of jeans and a sleeveless shirt. I want to be someone who has no problem being perfectly satisfied by a healthy meal. I want to be the one who stands in front of a crowd of hopeless people and offers hope. I want to be someone who makes you feel like it’s possible and you’re capable of anything you want. I want all of my ideas to come to fruition. I want success. I want adventure. I want to achieve something that required hard work and true discipline. I want love in all forms. I want a complete mindset shift and the confidence and focus to know I won’t go back. In a time when my gallery is filled with progress pictures, I want to finally feel like I am the woman on the right side of that final split screen- the “after” picture.

The truth: I am not that person yet.

The power of YET.

I’m reminding myself this morning that this is okay. I don’t have to be there yet. It is okay that I am exactly where I am, and even possible that I am exactly where I supposed to be. It’s not ideal, but maybe it is necessary. Maybe this is supposed to teach me a lesson. Maybe this is the bump in the road that knocked me down, and the same bump that will make me that much stronger when I overcome. All of this is okay. What is NOT okay is pretending (to myself and others) I am already there. It’s untrue, it leads to passivity, and it creates for a massive emotional blow every time I am reminded that I’m not there yet. Also, if I sit back and think about it, it is me selling myself short. Surely, I want more than this.

I plan to share this post because that’s how I am. But I must admit that this is not easy for me. Truly accepting that I am not where I want to be yet is very hard. Realizing that my ideas, dreams, and goals appear to be miles ahead of my motivation and actions is a tough pill to swallow. It is scary to know that I am the only one who can close that gap, and to understand that if I don’t I will never be all I am meant to be.

We would like to think that everything will somehow still work out the best way possible regardless of our own actions, but I personally don’t believe that. A part of me wishes I did so that I could continue to passively live my life and still become extraordinary. That would undoubtedly be easier. Unfortunately, I think people squander their potential all the time. I see people who have derailed from life’s tracks daily, and despite me believing wholeheartedly in their potential, I know some are lost for good.

To say that I am afraid of being alone, afraid that nobody will ever fall in love with me, afraid that I will never be completely happy, that I won’t have the chance to have a family, or ever really know myself, etc.- all of those ‘fears’ are widespread and often shared. Those fears don’t sink much past the surface as long as one holds the hope that “there’s still time.” To say, on the other hand, that I am afraid of never being who I am meant to be…that is debilitating. It stops me in my tracks, makes me emotional, and saying it out loud causes the oxygen in the room to vanish. I simply cannot let that fear become my reality- it can’t be an option- and every minute counts.

Today I am learning to accept that more work must be done to close the gap. Today I am choosing to stay true to my actual story: I am someone who has come very far, and who wants to go much further. I am someone who still has a lot of work to do, and that is okay.

I was sitting across the table from someone who had very quickly become a very important person in my life, a great friend, and a beautiful influence. The dinner was healthy- salmon and a huge salad- and the conversation was even more satisfying. We were getting to know each other, sharing things that we had only now decided to share after a year, finally moving into a friendship that would last a lot longer than our connection as coworkers. Without much thought, I found myself opening up about one of the most personal topics I own: my struggle with food. I told her “I am very satisfied right now. Tonight was amazing, I loved it, and I’m not hungry or thinking about food at all. But that won’t necessarily stop me from eating when you leave.” Her response came in the form of a question- “What is it that would make you want to eat again?” My answer in the moment wasn’t much, but it’s a question that I realize I need to answer. It’s a question that, on some level, I’ve been trying to answer for a very long time.

I pride myself on the fact that I am comfortable alone. It’s not something I always felt, but when that string of abusive relationships ended a few years ago, I realized that I needed to learn how to be happy alone before I was ever going to find true happiness with someone else. I needed to know who I was as “just me” before I could be anything to anyone. Today, I care very much about knowing how to take care of myself, and I often find myself telling others that, in my opinion, that’s the “missing piece” in their quest for true love.

I have never considered myself to be a lonely person. I have always been surrounded by great people, and I always seem to be doing something with my life that promises some sense of satisfaction. I am not lonely. I have amazing friends, a great family, I am smart, funny, and people like being around me. At any time, I always have a list of people I could call, and a handful of things I could go do. My life is not one of loneliness. The image of loneliness that exists in my mind is depressing, sad, heartbreaking, terrifying, and that is simply not my life. That’s not me.

Still, when my friend asked me point-blank what would make me want to eat again, the only thing that came to mind was the fact that once she left, I would be alone. It was as if I’ve convinced myself that eating is the natural thing to do when you find yourself alone. What else would I do? What else would be satisfying? I can’t just do nothing, right?

I realize this connection between a food addiction and loneliness may seem rather obvious, but it has been one I’ve easily dismissed for years. It’s just not me. Or, is it? As I’ve been thinking about this, I’ve realized that loneliness comes in all different forms. True, I am not physically lonely, but what about emotionally? Aha, there it is.

Emotional loneliness, in my opinion, is defined by the feeling that nobody really understands me, knows me, sees me, and simply gets me without me saying a word. People may like me, enjoy my company, and remember things about me, but how much do they really know about how I think, what a particular situation will make me feel, and the nonverbal cues that tell them exactly what I need in a given moment? And, if that’s true, if nobody understands me, then why?

Here’s where it all comes together for me. In order for people to understand you, you have to understand yourself. In order for people to learn how you feel, how you show it, and what you need, you need to actually feel, show your feelings, and communicate what you need. How can you possibly understand yourself- or give others the opportunity to understand you- if you’re constantly hiding all of the important feelings in food? How can they really know me if I have this entire secret life when I’m alone that they know nothing about?

I have been depriving myself of this connection because instead of trying to understand myself and sharing all of my feelings with people, I have been sharing all of my feelings with food. I have been telling myself that food comforts all of my negative feelings, but if I think about it, food does not do anything that I equate with comfort in the moments that I need it most. It doesn’t ask me how I’m doing, talk me through a problem, it doesn’t love me, it doesn’t offer advice, or tell me that everything will be okay, or pull me in and make me feel safe. And, it definitely doesn’t make me feel less alone. In fact, it is the decision to turn to food that makes me feel even worse about myself. If a person did what food does in those moments, i.e. sit there in silence and make you feel sick, we wouldn’t put up with it. It would be so easy to see that the relationship was bad for us and we would change it, wouldn’t we? Let’s stop making an exception here. Let’s set some expectations of the relationships we have in our lives and take back control.

I think this cycle goes beyond food. Food is my particular struggle, but I can see people doing the same thing with various addictions or self-destructive behaviors. On some level, we are all hiding from something when we do this. The question is- what? Shame? Vulnerability? Rejection? Failure? Those are valid fears, but if we give them the power, where are we? Where do we end up? For me, it’s sitting in my bed alone, eating a bunch of crap that will do nothing but satisfy me for the split moment that I eat it, and then immediately make me feel sick and hate myself, leaving the long-lasting effect of feeling alone and misunderstood. That is WAY worse than anything I fear, isn’t it? It’s not where I want to be.

Instead, I want my relationships to be with people, not food. I choose to take my power back. I choose to live in the moments when I’m alone at my house, and to stay in them without immediately running to food. I choose to feel my feelings, and not use food to stuff them down. I choose to build relationships- the relationship with myself, and those that I love. I choose to let the world see me. This is my new mantra and one that I want to commit to every single day. Because when the day ends, I choose to be understood.

I have felt a lot of anger lately. It’s an odd thing for me to say- and feel- because I don’t think I have ever been an angry person. Really, it’s an umbrella feeling, encompassing such other feelings like disappointment, confusion, loneliness, and even apathy sneaks in sometimes. Generally, though, I just feel angry.

To describe the basis of this feeling requires me to tell two different stories. Both stories are true and feel valid, although my most honest self understands which one is actually true and most valid. The first story explains how other people’s actions have made me feel. Or, more accurately, how I chose to let other people’s actions make me feel. The second story- the real story- is how my feelings about myself are projecting outward.

THE FIRST STORY: As someone who has struggled with weight for all of my adult life, I have developed certain insecurities, sensitivities, and defense mechanisms. One such insecurity is that I am not good enough to deserve certain things- such as good friends and a happy life- because I am not my best me. One such sensitivity is the idea that I won’t be accepted because of my weight, and thus left out or left behind. One such defense mechanism is self-sabotage, i.e. removing myself from a group, an activity, or a situation before that dreaded moment of exclusion is thrust upon me.

The first story is a combination of all three. I have recently started to feel like a forgotten success story. I feel like I am being treated every now and then like someone who once had great success and even more potential, but eventually squandered it and became a disappointment. What a shame. It has felt like my support network is annoyed that I would let such a great achievement go, and exhausted with trying to help me fix it. On some level, I feel like I can’t be fixed and this is my worst nightmare coming true, yet I want so desperately to feel like people won’t give up on me. Instead, it has seemed like I am being left behind, purposely excluded from various things because I no longer make the cut. And, I will soon be forgotten entirely.

Let me say this very clearly: I know this is not true. I know that I am surrounded by some of the most amazing people on the planet. I know that people believe in me wholeheartedly and would do anything to help me succeed. I know that I am loved, supported, and deserving of all of it. I am a good person, and I am surrounded by people who make me even better on a daily basis. With that said, the feelings feel real, and they affect me in a real way. I feel shame, loneliness, sad, hurt, annoyed…I feel angry.

These feelings- this anger- are not based in fact. They are the product of my first story- something that my insecurities, sensitivities, and defense mechanisms conjured up when a few situations poked a little too close to home. Things happened, words were said, and I instinctively interpreted them in the only way I’ve known how until this point. My alarm bells started going off. WARNING you’re being judged. WARNING you’re being told you aren’t good enough. WARNING you’re being excluded because of your size. WARNING you aren’t cutting it. WARNING you’re failing. WARNING they don’t like you as much as they did when you were doing well. WARNING you’re not worth as much when you are struggling. WARNING you are being forgotten. So, I pull away, I protect, I hunker down, and I tell myself I don’t need them. Of course, as overwhelmingly expected, this does NOTHING to help my underlying desire to feel included, loved, supported, and worthy. More importantly, I do need them. Period.

For weeks now I have pictured this breaking moment where my anger bursts out of me mid-conversation and I yell ‘WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!” In my daydreamed release, I would want this outburst to make them realize that I am trying, I am struggling, and I just need help, not a lecture. I would want them to immediately console me, tell me I am loved, and apologize for not realizing how their words were affecting me. What I realize now, thanks to a mid-run epiphany, is that my people aren’t wanting anything FROM me. They aren’t asking me to give them anything. Instead, they want more FOR me. What an amazing feeling it is to be surrounded by people who aren’t afraid to want more for you when you are not meeting your own expectations of what you want for yourself. What I’ve been pushing away is not judgement or exclusion, it’s love.

THE SECOND STORY: I stopped doing all of the things that made me feel my best, made me feel happy. I fell off track. I disappointed myself. I am not loving myself. I am not supporting myself. I am not treating myself as someone who is worthy. And therefore, I am ANGRY…at myself…and projecting it onto everything else. This is the true story.

The most liberating thing I have ever felt in my life is the realization that I am the one in control. I am the one who gets to decide how loved I am, how much I am worth, what I am capable of, and how I feel. I am the one who has the power to take care of myself, to feel happy, or to not. Yes, there are going to be things that happen in life that I am going to have to deal with, and some of those things might greatly affect me emotionally (Lord knows I am going through some truly emotional and valid struggles at the moment), but I am the one who gets to decide how I handle anything that comes my way.

Realizing that I have this power is…well…empowering. It also makes it that much more frustrating and disappointing when you realize that you have been giving your power away. This is what happened; I gave my power away. I let the situation, the words, the insecurities have all the power instead of my own beliefs about my self-worth. I let everything else decide how I was going to treat myself, how I was going to feel about myself. That is infuriating. That is something to be angry about.

The decision now is how to channel the anger. I’ve pinpointed what’s actually going on, so now what am I going to do about it? Two choices: take back the power or let the story destroy me. The choice is obvious right? Very obvious, but not necessarily easy, I’ve learned. At the end of the day, I just keep thinking about the most blunt life quote that I’ve run across- “It’s simple, really. You either do it or you don’t.” This quote has been sitting on my fridge for months. I put it there haphazardly because I didn’t want it to get destroyed on the counter until I figured out where to use it. Turns out, that might be exactly where it needs to be.

In the end, I will either do it, or I won’t. In the meantime, I find myself grateful. I am grateful to be surrounded by people who love me and challenge me to love myself. And, I am grateful that they give me the room to learn some of these lessons the hard way.

If you’re like me, you wake up almost every morning to another to-do list. Sometimes it’s a new one. Most often, it’s the one that didn’t get finished yesterday. Personally, I get a lot of satisfaction out of the task alone, i.e. making a to-do list, but my motivation takes an immediate nosedive once the list making is complete. Actually having to complete the tasks feels like torture. I can imagine it feeling like an unbelievable accomplishment to cross off the last thing and throw the list away. I have to imagine it, in fact, because I don’t think I have ever done that. Instead, I find joy in somewhat useless accomplishments. For example:

TO DO List:

1. Make a to-do list.  ✔

Yes! Winning!

Ultimately, the list proves helpful and encouraging for a short amount of time, but once I decide to “take a break,” that list is destined to remain in its current unfinished state for eternity. It is just how it is.

So, this morning I started thinking. What if life itself had a to-do list? And, what if it was one actually meant to be repeated from the beginning every single day?  In other words, you woke up to the same to-do list all over again, and you welcomed it. I suppose this might already exist, but we hide it behind other concepts: life goals, purpose, your calling, your career, etc. What I have in mind, though, is much simpler. It doesn’t require you to make long-term decisions, or force you to know right now where you want to be in ten years. It is instead a list of daily accomplishments that are meant to be crossed off repeatedly. More importantly, even the process of trying to cross them off proves satisfying alone. As I thought more about this, I realized there was nothing stopping me from making my own life to-do list. And, as you now know, the opportunity to even make a list would add an accomplishment to my day.

Thus, my life to-do list:

1. TRANSFORM  YOUR LIFE

I have come to learn that every day is another chance to make my life everything I want it to be. It doesn’t mean I’m never happy with how things are, or that I’m never satisfied or content. It just means that I believe true happiness is a daily commitment. Some days we adhere to the commitment fully, and others we fall short. Every day, we wake up and immediately we are faced with decisions. What we decide will affect how we move throughout the day, and throughout our lives. Our decisions will leave us feeling one way or another, good or bad, proud or full of regret, happy or not. So, I want my to-do list to encourage me to make the choices that will lead me to falling asleep a happier, stronger, more fulfilled person than I was when I woke up. I want to always be open to transformation, ways to grow, change, learn, adapt, survive, and feel alive. I want to feel my life transform in some way- big or small- on a daily basis. I don’t want to feel static. I don’t want to feel like time is passing with no purpose. I want to leave my mark on each day, and I want each day to leave its mark on me. So, at the top of the list is the goal to accept the ways life can move me along and to enjoy it.

2. CHANGE THE WORLD

I truly believe that one of the best things about feeling good is wanting others to feel it, too; but, I’ve learned that the process of getting there is not an easy one. Too often, we give to others for the wrong reasons. We give to receive, and when we don’t, we feel immediate resentment. We start to make dreadful comparisons, feel sorry for ourselves, maybe even start to feel entitled, and all of it does nothing to make us or anybody else feel any better. It is easy- too easy- to get caught up in ourselves. We let our problems affect how we treat others. We let our own insecurities keep us from being the best we can be. Whether we want to admit it or not, approaching life this way, I believe, is what causes a lot of our problems in the first place. Happiness is all too often stifled by negativity, and I think we allow ourselves to remain blind to it. It is the moment we choose to see it and address it that lets us change the world.

I have learned that how you treat yourself direct impacts how you treat others. I always cared to be a good person, a good family member, a good friend, but even I admit that, for years, I was not nearly as good as I should have been. When I started to take better care of myself- and thus stopped holding other people responsible for my own problems- a whole new life opened up to me. Negative feelings such as resentment, jealousy, self-pity, self-hatred, and even apathy moved aside and allowed room for kindness, acceptance, security, love, and connection. I could finally be happy for others without feeling sorry for myself. I could give to others without feeling empty. I could celebrate my family and friends without feeling jealous or discouraged by something missing in my life. I could take everything in, be surrounded by positive light, and simply bask in its warmth instead of feeling like my flicker was threatened somehow. To share life in this way with others is an amazing feeling. It requires a relentless commitment, and even then you might go through rough patches. After all, we’ve already discussed how easy it is to get caught up in ourselves.

Still, imagine if every person on the planet cared to share life with others in this way on a daily basis. Don’t you think the world would change? Perhaps we will never know how far our individual choices can go, but I personally would prefer to assume that I have the power to change the world in at least one small way, than to believe that I don’t have any power to do so at all.

3. THINK

We don’t think enough. I want to think every single day, and not just about life’s daily stressors. I don’t want every thought to be about something else I can’t forget to do. Instead, I want time to just think about life, about people I love, what makes me happy. I want to think creatively, poetically, critically. I want to come up with ideas, think about things that make me laugh, think through memory lane, or think up another big adventure. I want to be consciously aware of how I’m feeling, where I am at mentally, how I’m doing physically and emotionally, and how I’m talking to myself. I want my day to be a thoughtful one, even if the thought is that I shouldn’t overthink so many things. Trust me, that happens, too.

4. LAUGH FROM YOUR GUT

Laughter is what has kept me alive for thirty years. I think food, love, shelter, water, etc., have helped, but I still give most of the credit to laughter. I don’t know if there is any better feeling than having a completely uncontrollable laughing attack. If there is, I personally haven’t felt it. People have learned to laugh through so many different things that it has simply become necessary. In some ways, laughter protects us. In others, it provides us comfort. There are times it might embarrass us, but it can also be the best kind of forgiveness. It is the best way to connect and to love. In my opinion, laughing from your gut is one of the truest feelings of happiness one can ever feel, and it is something I would gladly aim for every single day.

5. HAVE EARTH-SHATTERING SEX

Let me start by saying I am completely supportive of all of us literally having earth-shattering sex every single day, but this “task” on my life’s to-do list goes above and beyond what you might be picturing.

When I think about literal earth-shattering sex, my mind goes crazy. My body explodes with various feelings- some tingle, some tickle, some crawl up my back and sit in my shoulders, some make my skin hot, others give me the chills, and there are some that make me feel exposed and uncomfortable, but in the best of ways. Earth-shattering sex is the part of the movie that makes a theater stand still, it’s the story you tell your friends the next day, it’s the lasting memory that distracts you from the mundane, it makes you notice and appreciate tiny details you ignored before, it is something you will never forget, and leaves a perma-smile on your face to the point where your cheeks get tense and you have to laugh it off. It inspires you, makes you feel alive and in control, and convinces you that you can do anything. Earth-shattering sex is not the kind that leaves you with doubt or insecurity. No way! It’s the kind that catapults you into feeling beautiful, sexy, free, understood, taken care of, perhaps a bit mysterious, and wildly exciting.

Basically, to me, earth-shattering sex is a feeling. It’s the idea that we should live life in a way that is spontaneous, wild, free from inhibitions. We should feel comfortable in our skin, alive, full of expression, and engulfed in the moment. Time should stop every now and then, and we should enjoy just how good living life can feel. Maybe it includes actually having amazing sex- why not?!- but it is more than that. It is the desire to live life in a way where we expect something epic to happen any minute, and when it does we will fully embrace all the ways it makes us feel incredible.

6. TAKE A LIFE-ALTERING NAP

You know those moments when you sink into the perfect cat nap, almost as if your body is complete dead weight and you don’t move, and then you wake up after just the right amount of time with new perspective? I think we should try to give ourselves that every day. Maybe it really is the perfect nap, or maybe it’s just a few minutes to sit down with yourself and take a few deep breaths before carrying on. The point is to allow for a perspective shift, to allow our body and mind to catch up to each other, and to live balanced. When we give ourselves a moment to realign and refocus our energy, the whole day can change. I don’t want to waste too many days spinning in circles. I want to travel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There you have it: my life’s daily to-do list. I feel better already. Check!

I had no intention of going silent for so long. When I read the date of my last post, I was surprised to see how long it had been. I knew- on some level- that I needed to write, but wasn’t making the time. Several post ideas popped into my head, but I always found something else to do instead of taking the time to sit down and get the thoughts out. Writing has always been therapeutic for me, and the Team TATE blog specifically ties together a lot of different parts of who I am. So, it’s a priority; or, it should have been a priority.

When I look back at the past couple months, I think I can see why I was avoiding posting. I was struggling. Interestingly enough, I think that’s when it is most important that I write, but it is also the time that we/I tend to avoid situations that will make me face my struggles head on. Thus, in true counterproductive fashion, I subconsciously ran from the

I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I spent years being overly critical and downright mean to myself, so I have learned that the best thing is self-love and kindness. It feels a lot better even when times are hard. Yes, I was struggling, but I didn’t give up. In fact, I was still able to succeed at certain things. I got to celebrate Year 1 with DBC, participate in a great reunion weekend, and even got REALLY close to a back-up goal I had set for myself when I realized the first one was unattainable in the time I had. It’s unfortunate that I didn’t hit the back-up goal either, but getting that close required some serious commitment on my end and I was proud of myself for pulling that off. In fact, I actually surprised myself! Even better, I continued into Year 2 in rare form, at least for me. Instead of celebrating with food and going completely off track, I found myself feeling re-motivated, determined, and focused on continuing my journey in a positive way. Because of it, I was able to hit that 100-pound goal again, and proceed forward. That is a very big success for me, especially considering it required me to overcome my usual cycle of big success followed by immediate sabotage.

Ultimately what I’m saying is I’ve learned that I tend to pull away when I probably need people the most. My weight loss is still on track, I’m back on the right path, and I’m headed in the right direction, but my mindset has a tendency to wonder and it’s time that I get that under control. The key, I think, is awareness. I think we all need to check in with ourselves on a daily basis and figure out how we are doing. Where are we at physically? How’s our health plan? But, most important, where is our mindset? Is it feeling strong? Are we talking to ourselves in a positive way? Are we loving ourselves? Are we keeping our promises? If we aren’t, why not? And, what do we need to do to fix it?

I want to apologize for pulling away, and I want to recommit to anybody who supports Team TATE. I am back. I don’t want to go anywhere, but if it happens again, I want you all to feel comfortable reaching out and holding me accountable. I’m going through the process of learning a very big lesson: we need each other. People who are on this type of journey are on one of the hardest (if not the hardest) journey of their lives. We need to surround ourselves with people who get it, support it, and hold us accountable. So, just as I truly do care to be there for all of you, I welcome you have expectations of me in return. We really can do this. I believe in us. We can make this life everything we want it to be, and in the process I honestly think we can change the world.

Thank you for welcoming me back into your lives. Now, let’s get back to unbelievable transformation and happiness!

With gratitude,

Tate

Mom: Don’t you feel like once you start eating healthier and working out, you don’t even want the unhealthy food anymore?

Me: No. I still want the unhealthy food all the time.

This type of conversation comes up in various forms fairly frequently with my Mom. It’s her way of connecting to me and my journey with her own weightloss experience. I also know that she’s posing these questions in a loving and supportive way. On some level, I’m sure she’s wanting me to say “Yes, absolutely! It’s amazing.” Then we would carry on the conversation laughing and feeling empowered by the fact that we broke free from the grasp of unhealthy foods. Of course, that’s never what happens. Instead, I often disagree and then start to feel some internal frustration or shame because I’m not like her and she doesn’t get it; and, of course, I want to be like her and I want her to get it.

This tension- not between my Mom and I, but the tension between me wanting a healthy life but still liking unhealthy foods- is what fuels the voice of doubt in my head. It’s what leaves me often feeling like I’m never going to beat this weight problem because I’m never going to get to a point where I no longer like, want, crave, desire the things that are “bad” for me. It is what leaves me feeling like the people who lost weight and kept it off are the people who stopped wanting pizza, and, well, I don’t think I’ll ever stop wanting pizza. So, even though I’ve been successful in losing weight and changing my life to an extent previously, I always succumbed to what I thought was my fate when that day came about 6 months later and I gave into the pizza craving. OK, pizza, you win, I’ll be fat forever.

This time has to be different, though, for a lot of reasons. Mostly, I just don’t want to be hidden anymore. I want to know who I am, show who I am, and live my life to the fullest. To do that, I must figure out the pizza cravings. Is it possible to be a happier, healthier, limitless person and still crave pizza? Or, is it actually possible that somewhere down this road to optimum health there’s a checkpoint where the pizza craving is removed forever, and then you’re told to skip along your way to happiness?

For the longest time I’ve felt resentment towards the idea that there was only one way to finally beat a weight problem once and for all. And, that way was to eliminate all the fatty (delicious) foods from your life. I always wanted to find another way that made me feel better, gave me more energy, made it possible to lose weight, and be happier, but also allowed me to still eat things like chocolate and cheese. The frustration that often bubbled inside of me during these conversations with my Mom was based on the feeling that she was proving my hopes of this alternate path impossible. Although she was never saying it, or even meaning it this way, I felt like the conversation concluded with her thinking “Oh, well, since you still crave the unhealthy food, you probably won’t be successful.” In truth, that was me projecting my own doubts about my ability to actually beat a food addiction and change my life.

In large part, I felt broken. I felt like there was something wrong with me being a person who had lost 50, 60, 70, even 80 pounds, and admitting that I still dreaded the gym half the time and would eat pizza for all three meals if I could. I felt like I was supposed to be the type who was now obsessed with the gym and would much rather have a salad with grilled chicken and no salad dressing than a cheeseburger. I wasn’t anywhere near that person. I couldn’t relate. So, I let the food addiction exist in all of its glory because that’s what I knew. And eventually, the 80 pounds I had lost moved back into my life like a self-destructive but comfortable security blanket.

But, as I said, this time has to be different. So, I’m once again tackling the ultimate debate: change your life vs. eat pizza. Here’s what I’ve realized: health and a love for pizza are not mutually exclusive. If I had the same conversation with my Mom today, I would add two very important words: I wish.

Mom: Don’t you feel like once you start eating healthier and working out, you don’t even want the unhealthy food anymore?

Me: No, I wish. I still want the unhealthy food all the time.

Here’s why those words matter: they help me prove to myself that I’m not broken. Let’s be honest, the complete, no bullshit truth is that we would all love to get rid of any desire for things that aren’t necessarily the healthiest for us. If we could just stop into that checkpoint and rid ourselves of those cravings, or the excitement that comes from satisfying them, being healthy, and skinny, and energetic, and happy would be SO EASY. We would all sit down to lunch together with nothing but lettuce, grilled chicken, flax seed, veggies, no dressing, no flavor, and discuss how incredibly happy and fulfilled we were with our lives. Nobody would drink alcohol or ask for a basket of rolls with butter because the cravings would be gone, and all of our excitement would come from the sweet endorphin rush we would have from getting to spend two hours at the gym that morning. After all, we would all be obsessed with the gym.

The words “I wish” give credit to wishful thinking, to acknowledging that such a life without unhealthy temptation would be idyllic. But, it’s not realistic. Reality says we have to work for what we want in life, and sometimes what we want most comes at the sacrifice of what we want a little less. It’s the process of prioritizing what really matters to us that makes the payoff so sweet. It’s the sacrifice of some of the things we crave that lends credence to the fact that changing your life is the hardest thing you will ever do.

I think I found the path I was looking for. The path that makes me feel better, happier, lets me lose weight, and have more energy, but also acknowledges my love of chocolate and cheese. I am changing my life, and that means I am prioritizing. That means I am sacrificing some of the things I love for things I love more: seeing what I’m made of, getting to know who I am, having the confidence to show who I am, and finally living my life to the fullest. It doesn’t mean I got rid of chocolate and cheese entirely- after all, that checkpoint on the road doesn’t exist- but it does mean I work hard to earn those craving dates. Because if I’m going to take a detour every now and then, I have to have enough gas in the tank to get me to where I’m going. And trust me, I’m finally going places.